 |
| Directed By: |
| Gavin Hood |
| Starring: |
| Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston, Lynn Collins |
X-Men: The Last Stand (2006) meets X-2 (2003)
From the safety of your own seat witness the harrowing beginnings of one of the most prolific anti-heroes in comic book history, Wolverine. A tale of stolen innocence, betrayal, tragedy, and what really happened on Three Mile Island. Marvel as he and his friends stop tank shells with their fists, scale buildings in seconds with only their bare hands, and kill ev-er-y-bo-dy. This highly anticipated X-Men spin-off will have you grasping your loved ones and praying to a deity that you get out to the parking lot before the adrenaline-pumped, over-caffeinated teenagers scratch you really, really hard. Warning: Special Effects may induce laughter.
One the few dialog scenes with Ryan Reynolds and therefore one of the only humorous moments in the movie; After taking out a dozen or so militia while his companions wait in a nearby elevator, Wade (Reynolds) looks around at his handiwork and yells, “OK! People are dead!”
When we learn that the Wolverine moniker originates from a story about the lonely moon told to James…er…Logan by Silver Fox. Romantic, if you’re twelve.
After the spectacular disappointment that was X-Men: Last Stand, my expectations bar for Wolverine sat pretty low. Even the trailer looked absolutely ridiculous. However, my hope that Rendition (2007) director Gavin Hood, along with Hitman (2007) writer Skip Woods and The Kite Runner’s (2007) David Benioff would give us something different was compelling enough to funnel me into the theater opening day. About 15 minutes in I quickly realized that X-Men Origins: Wolverine was bred for one single purpose—to sell merchandise to twelve-year-olds.
I can’t wait to get stabbed in the pancreas by my nephew’s dull plastic Wolverine’s bone claws on some random Sunday. And thanks to Hugh Jackman’s young Clint Eastwood looks and charisma, coupled with his complete failure to be a successful romantic lead, we may be subjected to his feral rage and freakish delts for years to come. Meaning I’ll need some protective gear for the next time I visit family.
Wolverine opens in 1845 Canada with two boys, Victor (Michael-James Olsen) and James (Troye Sivan) who after a predictable event learn they are brothers. Through the opening credits we see the now grown men played by Huge Jackman and Liev Schreiber fighting side by side through the Civil War, WWI, WW2, and Vietnam, ending with an amoral Victor attempting to rape a young village girl and promptly lands both of them in front of a firing squad.
As the previous sequence makes it a point to show that neither man can die we meet them again some time later locked away in a brig where they meet a young version of X-Men 2 villain, William Stryker (Danny Huston). Stryker offers get out of jail free cards if the men agree to be a part of some government black ops crew, and we flash-forward again.
We see Logan and Creed aboard a jet plane, apparently on a mission of some sort with their all mutant crack team of crack team buddy cliché’s, Wraith (Will I am), Zero (Daniel Henney), Wade (Ryan Reynolds), Bradley, and Dukes (Lost veterans Dominic Monaghan and Kevin Durand). There’s a really stagy assault, some awful wire stunts, and Ryan Reynold’s revisiting his sarcastic jokester roll as Hannibal King in Blade: Trinity (2004). It isn’t long before Logan puts on his goody two-shoes and goes AWOL to live a peaceful life as a humble lumberjack. No really, he’s a lumberjack. And that’s the beginning of the movie where all the punch is. After that Wolverine seeps into steadily increased absurdity.
Aside from a surplus of inaccurate cameos and the chance to see a skewed version of 1991’s Weapon X limited series comic come to life, Wolverine has little to offer even the most enthusiastic fanboy. It's just the same tired plot devices Marvel’s been using since before time began; generic plot to engineer super soldiers, love/hate triangle between hero, girlfriend, and villain, overcooked, unnecessary acts of chivalry and honor, and anti-American government propaganda. I guess it might have worked if the script wasn’t so fucking terrible and the actors could pull off some sense of relationship. Liev Schreiber is easily out of his class on this set. By that I mean he should get his own movie next time and Jackman can go back to back to screaming at Kangaroos.
Yes Gambit’s in it. But don’t expect the charismatic Cajun charmer Gambit that seduced a giddy Rogue back in late 80’s comics. This Remy LeBeau (Taylor Kitsch) is reserved for dues ex machine moments and name dropping. We get the cards, the staff, the accent, and, well, that’s about it.
The story is so on the nose no one will be moved by its juvenile platitudes. Complete with scenes of Logan crying up to the heavens while cradling his girlfriend in his arms and a saloon-style confrontation between him and Creed, it’s really hard to take it seriously.
Then there's the glaring misuse of CGI and practical makeup effects that will severely challenge one's capacity for suspension of disbelieve. Bearing in mind that a “leaked” version of the unfinished movie
circulated the web a few weeks before the premiere with incomplete CGI,
I’m not sure which version I had the honor of seeing.
The Most noticeably examples being Wolverine’s magic hovering claws, an atrocious scene of Wolvie chopping away at a fire escape as it falls, and a completely offensive fat suit on par with Fat Bastard of Austin Powers (1999) fame.
It’s so eye-rolling to see something like this so poorly executed. One might consider convincing himself that he’s in front of a Saturday afternoon kung Fu flick instead of an early summer blockbuster about a really angry man. Maybe then the screaming Hugh Jackman muscle posing might make a little more sense.
Wolverine is a failure. It doesn’t tell a complete story, and what it does reveal is already a staple of this type of character. We find out little to nothing about the motivations of any of the other characters, or more importantly why Logan must always take the high road—even when he’s clearly been betrayed by every other character in the film. What’s more, this pre-X-Men Logan has far less personality for his troubles. Trying to overcome his amnesia is apparently the only character trait that has ever made him interesting. Happy rage, sad rage, angry rage—its like watching a two-year-old throw a tantrum over his inability to fit two Legos together.
Sometimes when a character’s popularity is largely based on his mysterious past, the revelation of said character’s beginnings is less than adequate to substantiate decades (or even time between movies) of curiosity and over-thought musings. For those already versed in Wolverine lore, the updates to this story and its characters might feel like a slap in the face. X-Men Origins: Wolverine would have made a great cable TV miniseries.
A man is found dying of a fatal bullet wound. A man is impaled with bone claws (not shown directly). Many men are shot, slashed, or blown up during various war themes in the opening credit montage. A bunch soldiers guarding a blood diamond compound are killed with bullets, swords, and explosions. A woman is found dead with blood on her neck. An elderly couple is shot with bloody results. Men die in a helicopter crash. Various impalements between Wolverine and Victor (little to no blood). Another guy is stabbed with a sword. A woman dies of a concealed bullet wound. I man is decapitated (head shown falling off). There might be more.
A naked Hugh Jackman--mostly shirtless and long distance shots of his rippling buttocks.
Watch for the badly de-aged Patrick Stewart cameo.
There are multiple after credits sequences that differ depending on version.
Cyclops' optic blast does not produce heat. Someone didn't do their research.
There are so many plot holes and inconsistencies in everything from the costumes, to abilities, to the story, I think it would be easier to list the things that were spot on.