 |
| Directed By: |
| Sam Raimi |
| Starring: |
| Tobey "Seabiscuit" Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, Topher Grace |
Spider-Man (2002) meets Darkman (1990)
Peter "Spider-Man" Parker is in love with Mary Jane "pot reference" Watson. By "in love" I mean he gawks at her like a serial killer (sometimes outside of her window), mimics her speech, and says "I love you" unconvincingly ad nauseam. He might as well be saying, "I love baloney sandwiches," and it would have the same meaning. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if he keeps a hair doll with him at all times. Thank goodness an evil symbiotic alien masquerading as a Spider-Man costume enters the picture to turn Peter into a cornball disco-goth with a mean streak, because it's actually a lot less creepy. Mean streak in Spider-Man world means showboating a lot, pretending to womanize, and attempting to mentally abuse a girl who quite frankly is better off with the psychotic, yet charming, sophisticated, talented, rich and handsome best friend.
Apparently, I was in the bathroom during this scene.
A "black suit" enhanced Peter Parker channels Saturday Night Fever's John Travolta (1977) to strut down a New York City street like a 70s lounge lizard. Complete with shooter poses toward random women and a complete lack of sex appeal. This goes on for some 10 minutes.
I can't be certain but I think George Lucas has killed writer/director Sam Raimi and is at this very moment wearing his skin like a Halloween costume, because whoever wrote and directed Spider-Man 3 clearly has no sense of right and wrong.
Spider-Man 3 is a love story first, an action superhero movie second, and an episode of Barney to hold it all together. Don't just like it because it's Spider-Man; Don't just accept it because it's Sam "Evil Dead" Raimi; and don't give it a break because everyone else seems to be locked into this Spider-Man trance and you don’t want to be like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978).
S3 is a shallow, over-romanticized love letter to New York City, a geeked-out wet dream of chivalry and power, and a comic book reader's unhealthy preoccupation with women as glass vases that constantly need rescuing. It's like some convoluted soap opera for 13-year-old boys.
For those kids who thought Fantastic Four (2005) was an Academy Award worthy effort, this movie is gold. However, for anyone over the age of 14 with the ability to think on their own I suggest NBC's Heroes on Monday nights instead. That or a frontal lobotomy.
[spoilers] Random debris hitting people, possibly some police deaths, a disintegrated Topher Grace, Jimmy Franco impalement action, flashbacks to Uncle Ben (not the rice) getting shot, and a whole lot of fights involving characters bouncing off of steel girders, trains, and brick walls. Oh, and character's ability to take fatal blows varies throughout the film.
Not even a "pokie" from the gals. Franco and Maguire are shirtless because their personal trainers told them it was ok.
During the Gwen Stacy rescue a girl in green mysteriously disappears when both women fall with a collapsing building floor. Spidey saves Gwen and the scene is suddenly over and I have no idea what's going on.
For a guy desperate to keep his identity secret Parker sure does spend a lot of time with his mask off.
When did the poorly conceived butler come into this? Where's Alfred from Batman? Someone with a personality would be nice.
Advertising dollars discovering the power of the Internet can be attributed to Spider-Man's record breaking opening day. Just wait until Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver surfer and Harry Potter come around; Jessica Alba and Daniel Radcliffe will be your imaginary friends for months.
Why does Theresa Russell need to make a cameo in this movie?
What's with the goofy kids in the crowd with the overbearingly terrible acting yelling at Spidey for kissing the hottest girl in the movie? Are these some producer's ugly kids or something? That's right kids, kissing girls gives you cooties. Especially well-meaning, drop-dead gorgeous girls with some earning potential and straight teeth. "Yeeuk!" indeed, Timmy. Yeeuk, indeed.
Stan Lee cameo standing next to an overdressed, big boobed blonde paid to stare out into space in disbelief while northing's happening above her.