 |
| Directed By: |
| Bryan Singer |
| Starring: |
| Brandon Routh, Kate Bosworth, Kevin Spacey, Parker Posey |
Superman (1978) meets X-men 3 (2006)
After a five-year hiatus Superman returns to Earth to discover that he’s still a schmuck. The world has written him off as bad debt, and the love of his life is now the love of someone else’s life. Lucky for him no one’s figured out that his alter ego Clark Kent has been gone for five years too, so he's at least a schmuck with a job. It's not long before the Man of Steel has to save America again from one of the stupidest world domination schemes ever concocted. That is, when he's not stalking Lois Lane and son or kicking sand in the face of perfectly good fathers.
Lex Luthor attempts to show his crew how he plans to take over the world with a model train set. When the mock-up fails to execute a miniature disaster, Kitty Kowalski says, "Wow, that's really something Lex. It's freakin' Gone with the Wind."
Superman sneaks into a kid's bedroom and watches him while he sleeps. Creepy.
If you're not too savvy with Superman mythology, don't worry. Apparently neither is writer/director Bryan Singer or his co-writers. From what I can tell, the only experience with Superman lore Singer has is from watching the 1978 Superman movie like Alex de Large in A Clockwork Orange (1971). Superman Returns is an asinine, over pretentious, 2-dimensional fan film. Richard Donnor should steal Singer's soul for pretending to pay homage to his vision and then making a terrible movie about atrocious 70s-style haircuts in an overly modern Metropolis (hooray for product placement).
Sure the special effects are good, especially during the high-octane jet plane rescue scene. But the stunts get goofier and less convincing as the movie wears on. Did we really need to see Superman get shot in the eye in "bulletime" super slow motion? Seriously, where would common thieves get a huge custom mounted chaingun, and why would they take the time to assemble it rather then simply run away? How did they even carry it up to the roof of a twenty-story building? It's like these guys got together in a living room and proposed "what if" scenarios over an Xbox Live game and picked a few out of a bong. But I'm just nitpicking.
The character development is as outrageous as the casting. Kate Bosworth is terrible at playing the hard-nosed, seasoned reporter, Lois Lane. Margot Kidder, while not nearly as fun to look at, at least had the ability to act. Not only is Bosworth uneven and unconvincing, she looks like she’s nineteen. Rosanne Barr would have been a more convincing choice.
On the other hand, Brandon Routh (not a candy bar) does okay, so long as he's playing Superman the "Nancy boy". But when it comes to Clark Kent, forcing Routh to channel Christopher Reeve's version is so lazy I don't know why Singer didn’t just paste Reeve into the scenes and use his digital effects to change the dialog. I would hate to have writers actually write some new material for a character that hasn't been updated in thirty years. And James Marsden, what the hell is this guy doing in here? I guess Hugh Jackman was too busy with X-men 3. Since that other bad director killed Marsden's Cyclops character off pretty early in the movie Bryan Singer felt he was too good for, I guess ol’ Jimmy had nothing better to do.
Lets not forget about Kevin "Dr. Evil" Spacey as Lex Luthor, possibly the most unintimidating villain since Cerdic (Stellan Skarsgard) in King Arthur (2004). When it comes to cockamamie maniacal plots for world domination, Lex Luthor is a mastermind. I mean using an alien crystal from Superman's Fortress of Solitude to grown a continent over the existing United States and sell it's real estate to the highest bidder is the scheme of a super genius. Who wouldn't want to own a piece of property covered in huge jagged rocks, void of any vegetation, clean water sources, or fertile ground? I mean it's a perfect vacations spot for anyone who never needs to eat, drink, or breathe. I really thought Lex was on to something.
Thank goodness Parker Posey (Kitty Kowalski) is around to point out loopholes in Lex's idiotic decisions. After a while I found myself wondering why she wasn't in charge. Unfortunately, we don't get enough Kitty to undo Luthor’s stupidity, or to make up for Spacey's inability to play a descent megalomaniac.
Superman Returns comes out swinging, only to trip over it's horrible plot. Littered with poorly executed reveals, flat performances, and an uncomfortably voyeuristic hero, it's a chick flick hero movie that punches its target audience in the stomach and says, "go make some money, woman".
A bad guy is crushed by a piano and a giant rock falls on some henchmen.
Even if Kate Bosworth had something to look at, it's not in this movie.
What's a Bryan Singer movie without his staple political commentary. Evidentially, America's justice system is so inept that a fanatic like Lex Luthor can be acquitted of duel life sentences on the mere technicality of Superman not showing up to testify at his trial? Never mind the guy launched twin nuclear missiles against the United States, helped an invading alien force take over the world, and created a nuclear powered anti-Superman before his capture in the fourth film.
Watch for a miraculous appearance by a young Marlon Brando, and Kal Pen as a goofy henchman.