The Cynic Critic

Terminator Salvation Review

The year is 2018. A self-aware, Philip K. Dick literate super-mainframe called Skynet has reduced the land to a desolate wasteland by way of nuclear holocaust in an attempt to wipe its creators, humanity, off the face of the globe. But we pesky blood bags aren’t so easily extinguished. Our unparalleled survival instinct and unwavering, all-American determination don’t take kindly to killer cyborgs around these parts. Or maybe it’s because Skynet forgot to put the ‘Nuke’ in the nuclear weapons. My neighbor’s backyard looks more post-apocalyptic than this radless future. Man, we can’t even build a decent genocidal computer system, what hope do I have of ever seeing 80 miles to the gallon on my car?

X-Men Origins:Wolverine Review

From the safety of your own seat witness the harrowing beginnings of one of the most prolific anti-heroes in comic book history, Wolverine. A tale of stolen innocence, betrayal, tragedy, and what really happened on Three Mile Island. Marvel as he and his friends stop tank shells with their fists, scale buildings in seconds with only their bare hands, and kill ev-er-y-bo-dy. This highly anticipated X-Men spin-off will have you grasping your loved ones and praying to a deity that you get out to the parking lot before the adrenaline-pumped, over-caffeinated teenagers scratch you really, really hard. Warning: Special Effects may induce laughter.

Twilight Review

Follow the exploits of Bella and Edward, two fictionally perfect tweens with names to match as they over-dramatize vampire abstinence. That is, until the bad vampires show up to make trouble for our idealistic couple. Sally through every young girl’s secret fantasies and rarely disclosed fears with paint-by-numbers story-telling and insignificant characters. By the end you will either write a poem or burn your diary.

Ghost Rider Review

Like any other comic book adaptation, Ghost Rider is light on meaningful storyline and heavy on the campy, over-exaggerated action. There are a few good moments here and there, but let's be honest, this is no Spawn (1997). Writer/director Mark Steven Johnson really knows how to make a cool idea goofy. Ghost Rider isn't the quintessential comic book movie it could have been, but rather, the comic book movie that's better than Catwoman (2004) but not as good as Spiderman (2002). Bad direction, childish dialog, awful special effects, I think it's time to put these shake-n-bake comic book hero movies to bed, because I'm starting to understand why people burned comics in the 40s.

300 Review

300 is an adaptation of executive producer Frank Miller's graphic novel of the same title inspired by the 1962 film, 300 Spartans; both are loose interpretations of the Battle of Thermopylae in 480 BC, where a relatively small number of Greeks stood against an overwhelming Persian invasion. Historical evidence varies but who cares. 300 is a bloody, intense, testosterone-fest in the spirit of Beowulf and The Odyssey. It's an intellectually undemanding movie intended to titillate the senses and arouse the Freudian id in its male dominated audience. It succeeds in spades. I only hope the producers of Troy (2004) will learn a valuable lesson from this film. Namely, to cut the chatter and romance, and pump up the action.

Blades of Glory Review

It's only by pure morbid curiosity that I watch Will Farrell movies these days. Mostly because they are just that, Will Farrell movies. "Big Willy" has enjoyed a healthy career based on the merciless lampooning of the traditional American alpha male. This time, through the implausible incarnation of a whimsical, over-testosteroned professional ice skater named Chazz Michael Michaels, whose hyper-competitive ego gets him and his perfection-sensitive rival, Jimmy MacElroy (Heder), stripped of their gold medals and permanently banned from competitive singles skating. Their only hope for a comeback is to put aside their differences and compete in pairs skating, generally reserved for a male/female team. Not to be undone, current pairs favorites Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg, played halfheartedly by Will Arnett and Amy Poehler, plot against the unlikely duo in hopes of retaining their current reign.

Pathfinder Review

Overdressed Vikings invade "Native American" villages to cleanse the land of "savages" before settling in what I guess to be precolonial North America. Actually, they do it twice, once to leave behind the kid who'll grow up to kill them all, and the second time to be killed by said kid. Whoever's idea it was to slap Norwegians together with Indians is a genius. That's much better than my idea, which is to tell the same story, but with sock puppets. And instead of Vikings, they're ninjas; and instead of an Indian village, the boy has to grow up on an alien planet populated with giant amoeba. Space ninjas and amoeba, thank you Pathfinder producers for showing me the error of my ways. Anyway, to compare Pathfinder to something like Apocalypto would be like comparing King Arthur (2004, another terrible movie) to The Godfather(1972). Pathfinder is awful on a level that can't be described without fowl language. Uwe Boll fans rejoice.

Superman Returns Review

After a five-year hiatus Superman returns to Earth to discover that he’s still a schmuck. The world has written him off as bad debt, and the love of his life is now the love of someone else’s life. Lucky for him no one’s figured out that his alter ego Clark Kent has been gone for five years too, so he's at least a schmuck with a job. It's not long before the Man of Steel has to save America again from one of the stupidest world domination schemes ever concocted. That is, when he's not stalking Lois Lane and son or kicking sand in the face of perfectly good fathers.